Krusty Crabs and the love sponge
by TheLoveSponge
Summary: The adventures of a lusty sponge.
1. Chapter 1

**Krusty Crabs and the love sponge**

It all started on a warm summery morning in Bikini Bottom. SpongeBob was seductively flipping Krabby Patties while letting his mind wander. He thought about his upcoming holidays, and all the adventures that he and Patrick would have. He also thought of Patrick in his tight board shorts, two sizes too small for him. The thought alone made him quiver with joy.

"Yeah, a bit of extra 'mayo'... that's what these Krabby Patties need," Spongebob mused.  
"SpongeBob, can I get two Krabby Patties? Hold the pickle," Squidward gloomily moaned from the front counter.  
"Ooooh yeah, I'll hold the pickle alright, Squidward," Spongebob murmured.  
'The Japanese really know what's up with tentacles. So much gripping power, and so many options' Thought Spongebob, while tenderly biting his lip and rubbing his crotch against the bench.

Spongebob couldn't take these urges anymore. He had to do something to relieve himself. He had to think of a way to lure Squidward out to the freezer where they keep the stock. Everyone knows there's never cameras in the freezer.

When the next order was ready to go out to the front, Spongebob took his opportunity to make contact with Squidward. Spongebob put a message on the order ticket that said '_Meet me in the freezer. I need some help moving some _buns'.

Spongebob was confident Squidward would reciprocate his feelings. He had been flirting with Spongebob all week - giving him seductive looks, serenading him with sexy clarinet songs, and making extra sassy and sarcastic remarks to him all the while.

Spongebob sent the order out and went back to flipping Krabby Patties, while glancing up every few seconds to gauge Squidward's reaction. Squidward didn't react to the ticket at first, but after a few tense moments, he turned to Spongebob and gave him a look that meant _'I want to use your spongey body to mop up my squidy semen'._

Spongebob called out to Mr. Krabs to let him know he was going on his break. Squidward did the same.

Spongebob sat on some boxes in the freezer, thinking about the magic that was about to take place. He also pondered as to what would go best with squid.

_'A smooth dry water? No a nice, cool, bubbling water. Perfect.'_

Squidward then sauntered into the freezer with the air of someone who _knew_ he looked _fabulous_.

"So, you came. I didn't know if you would," Spongebob said casually.

"Yeah, I came. Figured I'd see what you wanted," moaned Squidward in his usual bored tone.

"Oh, you know. I just wanted some help moving these _buns,_" SpongeBob bent over slyly while saying this.

Squidward walked around behind Spongebob then, with his sexy squidy walk, before wrapping his tentacles around the latter and squeezing as hard as he could. Spongebob let out a moan of pure bliss.

"OH YEAH, SQUIDDY! MAKE ME YOUR BITCH!" Spongebob demanded with the ferocity of a pregnant woman. It's a little known fact that a sponge's G-spot is stimulated when you squeeze the absolute piss out of him.

Squidward tore off Spongebob's pants with the same enthusiasm that a 5 year old has for ripping wrapping paper off of a birthday present.

"STICK YOUR GIANT FUCKING BEAK IN ME, SQUIDDY, YOU DIRTY FUCKING CUNT!" Spongebob screamed.

Squidward rammed his beak up one of the holes in Spongebob's backside, while continuing to squeeze the absolute shit out of his dirty love sponge.

"OH SPONGEBOB, YOU'RE SO FUCKING TIGHT!" Squidward moaned loudly, "I'M GONNA INK!"

"INK IN MY TIGHT LITTLE ARSEHOLE, YOU FILTHY BITCH!" Demanded Spongebob, as Squidward continued to have his way.

"UUUUUUUUNNNGGGHHH!" Squidward moaned, as he released his giant ink sac into Spongebob. It oozed out of the holes all over his body. He looked like a self-saucing chocolate pudding.

Once spent, the two lovers lay down beside some boxes of buns and caressed each other tenderly.

"SpongeBob, I think I love you," croaked Squidward nervously.

"You're an ok bloke, Squidward, but this could never be" Spongebob said dismissively.

"B-b-but... why not?" Squidward asked, with a shake in his voice and tears in his eyes.

"My mother hates squids," Spongebob explained, "She says they're beneath us and that we shouldn't associate with anyone whose arse is in the same place as their mouth."

Squidward began to cry and whimper. Spongebob put a finger to Squidward's mouth and shushed him, wiping away his tears and looking deep into his eyes, before delivering a bite to Squidward's face that would make Hannibal Lecter proud.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

Spongebob sat on a box, watching his now mutilated lover struggling to breathe. Squidward would give the occasional desperate moan and gargle, as he choked on some blood that seeped down his throat. Spongebob had to find a way to get Squidward back to his house. '_This would be so much easier if I had my fucking boat license,' _thought SpongeBob.

"Shush now sweetie, soon you'll be safe in your new home" Spongebob cooed in a motherly, yet deranged tone. Spongebob grabbed Squidward under the armpits and lifted him into a large empty box nearby. Spongebob was going to have to wait until late at night, when it was dark enough outside that he could drag the box with Squidward in it home without being seen.

Spongebob had been trying to think of easier ways to get Squidward home than dragging him; he'd considered everything from taping skateboards to the bottom of the box, to outright stealing a boat and driving him home, but none of them seemed viable. For one, he didn't actually own a skateboard - skate boards were for angsty and sexually confused teenagers, after all. The other problem was that he had no clue how to hotwire a boat, let alone drive one. This left him with one last option. He couldn't work out why he hadn't thought of this brilliant plan earlier. He would get some bubble mixture and blow a giant bubble around the box, and then just float Squidward home in it. Fucking genius.

Spongebob pushed his beloved squid in a bubble through the door of his house, and down into the basement. He popped the bubble, causing Squidward and his box to fall to the floor with a large and painful sounding thud. Squidward let out soft cry of pain and went back to weeping quietly. Spongebob dragged Squidward out of his box to a nearby piece of metal framework. The framework looked like something out of a BDSM dungeon. It had straps for two arms and four legs, a mouth gag, and an adjustable knob on the side that allowed for the frame to move it's occupant into a bent over or upright position. It was a device of Spongebob's own creation. A sexy young sponge couldn't make a decent living just being a fry cook, after all. Sometimes you just have to design BDSM equipment to get by.

"I-I-I-I just want to go home!" Cried Squidward, through broken teeth and mangled lips.

"This is your new home Squidward," Spongebob smiled cheerily.

"WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?!" Squidward screamed, causing Spongebob to startle.

"What do you mean, Squidward? You're talking like you don't want to be here. Did I do something to make you sad? I just want you to be happy my lovely squiddy," Spongebob sniffed through crocodile tears.

Spongebob picked up Squidward's clarinet and walked over to him.

"N-n-n-n-no, SpongeBob. It's nothing like that at all. I love being with you, I just really want to go home. Please, don't hurt me..." Squidward stammered, while holding back tears. He didn't want to piss off this psychotic man-child sponge any more.

SpongeBob gently stroked back and forth at the top of Squidward's pelvis before speaking again.

"I think you should play me some music, Squidward. Something sexy to reflect the mood."

"Y-y-yes. I'd love to SpongeBob, if you just untie-"

"I'm not untying you, Squidward," Spongebob interrupted, "I'm going to hold the clarinet and you're going to blow into it"

"O-ok, just put the clarinet to my lips and I'll try and play you something."

Spongebob cackled madly in response.

"No, Squidward. You're going to play the Clarinet with your arse hole."

"W-w-_what_?" Squidward stammered, true fear suddenly bubbling within him, "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

"Come on Squidward, you don't want to make me angry now, do you?" Spongebob chided.

"Ok..." Squidward sniffled in defeat. His dad had always said the clarinet was for fags.

Spongebob adjusted his Struggle Frame™ so that Squidward was standing, but bent over. He slowly inserted the tip of the clarinet into Squidward's anus, then removed it, before re-inserting it once again. He then repeated the action a few more times than necessary. Well, an unnecessary amount of times, even considering the situation. Spongebob took far too much joy from doing this.

"Alright squiddy darling, play me a tune!" Spongebob grinned, making the motions of an orchestra conductor.

"Ok..."

_Pfffthhh..._

Squidward squelched a lame tune through his arse clarinet.

"Oh come on squiddy, my boy! You can do better!" Spongebob taunted.

_Pfft, pffth, pttthfth, poooftthhfftftf, pttttttthhhgggfffuu._

Squidward played a rudimentary form of Mary had a little lamb.

Spongebob was absolutely delighted.

"BRILLIANT! I KNEW YOU COULD DO BETTER, SQUIDWARD!" Spongebob chirped excitedly, "Ok, now you're going to play me Beethoven's 5th in C minor!"

"ARE YOU FUCKING _KIDDING_ ME?!" Squidward protested

"Now now, Squidward, do we really want to find out what happens to disobedient cephalopods?" Asked Spongebob, with a hint of anger seeping into his voice. Spongebob was not a very patient man. Boy. Sponge thing.

"No. No we don't..." Squidward resigned

_Pffthhhh ptthhfgg pfftggghtttffgfthhtuuut pggguhhttueeettthhhhgggg gggffftppphhhuuugh bbbfffgghhuueeertthh pffthhhh ptthhfgg pfftggghtttffgfthhtuuut pffthhhh ptthhfgg pfftggghtttffgfthhtuuut gggffftppphhhuuugh bbbfffgghhuueeertthh pffthhhh ptthhfgg. _

Squidward played the whole song like an absolute champ. He would have made Beethoven himself proud… if scat music was his thing. His rectum bleeding from strain, and with brown sludge oozing from his clarinet, Squidward let out a sigh and a quiet sob of relief. It was over for now. He was safe, until this glorified kitchen utensil had another sick game to play with him, Squidward thought to himself.

Spongebob clapped and cheered joyfully.

"WONDERFUL! FUCKING WONDERFUL! Now, there's just one more thing to do..." Spongebob said mischievously.

"Wh-what?" Squidward stammered, with a tone of serious worry.

SpongeBob stood up and took a step back. He then delivered a kick to the clarinet that would rival one of even David Beckham himself. The clarinet was sent flying up Squidward's anus. Squidward let out a monstrous scream of pain, as anybody would if a mentally ill sponge had just kicked a clarinet up their arse.

"Now anytime you fart, I'll be able to hear your beautiful music!" Spongebob chirped, as he walked back up the stairs and into his lounge room.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

Spongebob walked into the lounge room and sat down on the couch. He turned on the TV.

The theme song to My Little Sea Pony: Friendship Is Magic played.

"SEA PONIES. I FUCKING HATE SEA PONIES!" Spongebob thought aloud.

"Meow," Gary responded, with burning hatred.

"You're right, Gary! We _should_ do something about them…" Spongebob nodded, malice in his eyes, "But maybe some other time. We have a lot of work to do."

Spongebob had to think of a way to explain Squidward's disappearance. Suicide note? No, too out of character. Joined the circus? No, that's for chubby teenage girls with abnormally large mustaches. A note saying that he's run away to a squid village to play crappy music and do other boring shit old people do? _Perfect_.

Spongebob convinced Squidward to write the note he had planned out, and then got him to sign it.

"Now nobody will ask questions Squidward. We can be together forever!" Spongebob beamed.

Squidward just hung his head and sobbed.

Spongebob then went back upstairs to plan the next part of Squidward's disappearance. He would have to go into Squidward's house tonight, before the police start investigating, and put the note in Squidward's bedroom. It was lucky that he had Squidward's keys.

SpongeBob got up from the couch, offering a quick explanation of "I'm going for a stroll, Gary."

He received a 'meow' in reply, before heading out.

Spongebob left his house and snuck over to Squidward's, making sure that nobody could see him. He dressed up as a ninja and everything. He even had little ninja stars. Spongebob walked into Squidward's house, before stopping to survey the area. '_Looks all clear...' _thought SpongeBob.

He walked upstairs and into Squidward's room. He strolled around the room a bit, stopping to look at photos of Squidward and his loved ones. He took a couple and shoved them in his duffle bag.

'_Squidward will want these._'

He walked over to Squidward's dresser and took a peek inside. Tissues, torch, lollies, dildo, anal beads, mascara, Savage Garden CD, bleach, tampons. Just regular bedside table stuff. Spongebob put Squidward's farewell note on his bed and left

As Spongebob walked into his house, he was greeted with the quiet tune of a clarinet from the basement.

'_Now THAT'S music!_' Spongebob smiled to himself.

Spongebob grabbed some pictures of himself, sticky tape, and a pair of scissors, before getting to work on modifying Squidward's family portraits. Spongebob was Squidward's only real family now.

SpongeBob finished his master piece and headed down into the basement to show his beloved squiddy what he had made. As Spongebob walked down the stairs to the basement, he sang a quiet song to himself.

"Ohhhhh~ who lives in a rape dungeon under the sea? SQUID~WARD TEN~TA~CLES DOES!" SpongeBob giggled to himself; he amused himself sometimes.

"I've brought you something from your old home, Squidward!" Spongebob chirped by way of greeting.

"Oh, really? What did you bring?" Squidward said in an uninterested tone.

Spongebob held up the picture of Squidward and his new family. Well - it was a picture of Squidward and his family, with Spongebob's handsome face sticky taped over every family member's face.

"What the fuck _is_ that, Spongebob?! You're fucking deranged! I'LL NEVER BE YOUR FUCKING FAMILY, YOU FUCKING PSYCHOPATH!"

Squidward was screaming and flailing. He'd finally snapped. He couldn't take this nut job's sick games anymore.

"Squidward, we've talked about this, remember? YOU DON'T WANT TO PISS ME OFF, YOU FUCKWAD. LISTEN TO ME, YOU STUPID TENTACLEY CUNT. I. WILL. MAKE. YOU. _SUFFER_."

Spongebob was royally pissed off now.

"FUCK YOU, SPONGEBOB! I'M NOT AFRAID ANYMORE! YOU'VE ALREADY DONE EVERYTHING YOU POSSIBLY CAN TO ME!" Squidward cried in defiance.

Squidward was in absolute hysterics now. His wrists were bleeding from struggling in his restraints. His eyes were bright red from crying. On top of that, his arsehole was stretched to the size of a grapefruit, because of the clarinet that had been shoved up it.

"Squidward, this is just the start. I'm going to kill your mother, and then when your father and brothers and sisters are mourning, I'm going to invite them over for roast. And guess what meat the roast will be? Squidward's mum's meat! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Spongebob cackled in his usual spastic laugh.

"OH GOD! PLEASE, NO! PLEASE DON'T DO IT, SPONGEBOB! I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY!" Squidward sobbed.

"Hmmm, alright..." Spongebob mused, "I can think of other ways for you to make up for your bad attitude, anyway."

"Anything, Spongebob! I swear I'll do anything!" Squidward pleaded in defeat.

Spongebob walked over to his special cabinet. He removed a hunting knife, sewing needle, small gas cooktop and a blow torch. Spongebob put his tools down in front of Squidward and went upstairs to grab some stuff from the kitchen. He came back with some seaweed paper, rice, lemon juice and a fry pan.

Now Spongebob was ready.

He picked up the hunting knife and sauntered over to Squidward.

"Spread your legs, cunt," Spongebob demanded with the tone of an Australian serial killer.

Squidward didn't even say anything. He just wailed like a baby and spread his legs apart. Spongebob knelt down in front of Squidward's open legs and took a big whiff.

"Fuck yeah! That's the stuff," SpongeBob said, while licking his lips.

Spongebob took his hunting knife and put it to Squidward's beak, a maniacal gleam of intent in his eyes.

"Get ready, bitch."

Spongebob drew the knife back and stabbed it into the base of Squidward's beak.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!" Squidward screamed, body searing with pain.

"Shut the fuck up, you little bitch arse homo," Spongebob growled impatiently.

Spongebob left the knife hanging from the base of Squidward's beak. He went back to his special cabinet and grabbed out a ball gag. It was his favourite one from his sexy sponge range. He strapped it onto Squidward's mouth.

"That ought to shut you up, you little slut," Spongebob smiled cheerfully, as Squidward sobbed raggedly around the gag.

Spongebob knelt back down and grabbed the knife. He sawed it back and forth through Squidward's soft, sensitive flesh, until he had chopped his beak off entirely. Squidward's muffled screams rung out through the basement. Vomit ran down his chest and into his fresh wound, making him scream and choke, causing him to throw up even more. Spongebob stepped back and admired his work, but he wasn't done yet. No, Squidward hadn't paid for his sins against Spongebob _just_ yet.

Spongebob stepped close to Squidward again. He was standing millimeters away from Squidward's face, licking his lips. He drew his knife up to Squidward's face and hacked his nose from his face. Blood ran down Squidward's face and mixed with the chunky vomit that continued to spew from his lips. Spongebob slurped the mixture off of Squidward, and groaned with unabashed pleasure.

"Almost done now, my squiddy darling," Spongebob chimed, while grinning like a priest unsupervised at a children's playground.

Spongebob picked up the lemon juice and splashed it onto Squidward's wounds. Squidward thrashed and writhed in pain. Spongebob was almost crying with laughter now.

Spongebob picked up Squidward's mangled beak and the needle and thread, before proceeding to attach his beak onto the deformed tissue where his nose used to be.

"We're done now, my handsome cockfaced squiddy!" Spongebob beamed, "Now I think it's time for a snack."

Spongebob set up the fry pan atop the gas cooker, and fried up Squidward's nose to perfection. Gordon Ramsay would have been proud. Spongebob used the rice and the seaweed paper then, making himself some squid sushi, before settling down for an afternoon snack. It reminded him of his childhood. It was the sort of thing his mother would have made for him.

Spongebob took the gag off of Squidward and wiped away chunks of spew from his mouth.

"You must be hungry after all of that, Squiddy darling," Spongebob frowned with feigned innocence.

"Whatever you say SpongeBob..." Squidward dejectedly spluttered around the bile in his mouth.

"That's my obedient squiddy."

Spongebob then fed Squidward the remainder of his fried nose, all while cackling madly.

"Get some rest now my beautiful squid. We'll play some more later!" Spongebob smiled, before heading back upstairs to clean himself up and eat some bath salts.


End file.
